What does it mean to be enough? When was the last time you felt like you weren't enough?

I heard this question posed to a psychologist the other day. It got me thinking. There are many times I feel like I'm not enough: when my kids are having a hard time with something and I can't just swoop in and make things right, when my loved ones are struggling, and I don't readily know the solution. And when I have my own challenges with depression and anxiety, I may in the moment think I'm not enough to even help myself. 

Then the question is: Am I enough to do what I want and need to do?

Like many people, I sometimes equate not being perfect with not being enough. Perfection means no need for improvement. But being enough doesn't mean you are perfect and aren't a work in progress. It means you are already who you need to be to take this self-improvement journey and to sustain the path. The way my mother used to say it: "The Lord would never put more on you than you can handle." Ain't that the truth! 

You are enough. You are enough to take the first steps you need to take. You are enough to begin to make important changes happen in your life and the lives of your loved ones.

You won't be perfect; none of us will. But you will be you and that's all you need. You are enough. 

Today, let's chat about something that comes up a lot when speaking with successful women of color. Each one has stories of how others sorely underestimated them, and then they really showed the naysayers by having great success. Sinatra said, "The greatest revenge is massive success." Yes, sir, it is. 

But, what if the naysayer is You and that negative voice in your head?

Consider this: have you ever applied for a position that you wanted so badly, and prayed hard for because you just weren't sure if you were good enough, then you got the job and realized you are significantly more experienced, educated, and qualified than your colleagues (and maybe even your superior)?  
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What the heck happened? How could there be such a mismatch between your belief and the reality of your abilities?

Certainly, this is a simplistic example of how we might see our abilities. The bottom line is as my first life coach Leslie Flowers used to say, "You can never surpass your belief in your ability and your deserve-ability." 
This means you have to believe you can both achieve high goals and that you deserve to achieve them.

If you underestimate YOURSELF, then the way you see your ability (and deserve-ability) to succeed will be distorted and inaccurate.
How does it get this like this? The way you create your beliefs in your ability and what you deserve is informed by your upbringing, culture, environment, experiences, expertise, information, imagination, your genes, and your interpretation of all these things. 

What's the remedy? Well, the operative phrase in the prior paragraph is "the way you CREATE your beliefs."  We make our beliefs, and the method to create better beliefs is to know what is True and what is You (or something you have taken as fact that may not be true). 

The Assessment: For most people, especially women, we are our greatest critic. We may criticize ourselves harshly and then agree when someone else diminishes our abilities and capabilities. They confirm our negative thoughts and make us feel "right"... Wrong! Having consensus does not make something true; in this case, it's called confirmation bias. It's not true AND it doesn't serve us.

The Plan: Separate the Truth from the Bias. 

Example:
Bias: I never get anything right: not in my relationships, not in my career, and not for my health. I must be broken.

Truth: I have the ability to build the knowledge and learn the skills I need to have fulfilling relationships, an engaging career, and improved health. 

And the Truth shall set you free! What's your Truth?

Can you believe the summer is coming to an end?  Everything seems to be going by so fast; some things faster than ever. If you are like me, it makes you want to move faster too. Live more life in less time. I've lived a lot of life in the past year since getting married and relaunching my business. I have learned the downside to trying to live fast, you are more likely to make bad assumptions and create unrealistic expectations. 

Case in point...

In my haste, I thought because I had been: 
A good girlfriend to David,
A capable mother to Ace, 
A caring doctor to my patients, 
A business owner before COVID, 
And a lifelong student of personal development,

That it automatically meant:
It would be a simple transition to being a good wife and turning our newly blended family house into a happy home,
I would know how to co-parent Harper & DJ, my new step-children,
It would be a small learning curve for me to support my newly diagnosed neurodivergent son with Autism, 
I could easily handle any obstacles to relaunching my coaching business post-COVID. 

Frankly, after I got engaged, I just wanted to get married, get settled, and get going with my new normal. I mean I was already 42. I was WAY behind!
 
My unrealistic expectations led me to constantly beat myself up for not being good enough. I was struggling to meet my "high" standard.
I was left feeling unfulfilled in having my "dream" life and guilty for feeling it.
And the worst part, I was doing it AGAIN. 

This was not my first rodeo.  

I have had my "dream" job and felt unfulfilled due to unrealistic expectations and standards. 
I tried to live fast and hard and I burnt out. Here I was again. Same mistakes, different circumstances.

Plus, I'm a life optimization coach... so I know better. I have done better, and I have helped many others to do better as well. 
I felt like a physician who smokes... what is the excuse??

Maybe you can relate. When we know better and do better, why do we still backslide? 

Don't worry there's hope! For me and for you! 

All it takes to start fresh is to decide to do so and forgiveness. 

First, I had to forgive myself. Like the doctor who uses smoking to cope, we are only human. And some days, we'll be more human than others. 
But my poor coping skill wasn't smoking, my poor coping skill was striving for perfection. I got caught up in wanting to fast-track perfection. I call it the Perfection Depression. And it got ahold of me. 

But there is no perfection...  there is only evolving. Evolving Matters!

To evolve means to change or develop SLOWLY often into a better, more complex, or more advanced state. 

Evolving allows us to grow, learn new skills, and gain a more complex understanding of ourselves and life. We become a new and improved version of ourselves. And that takes time. There are no shortcuts and no perfection. You have to live and learn to be better. Think of it as on-the-job training. 

The good news is that who you are now is more than enough to begin to evolve into who you need to be, whether it is a better wife, mom, professional, or whatever you desire. 

What helped me to get back on track?

Well, it took quite a few steps, but I condensed it down to these 5 "STEPS" for you.  

5 STEPS to Evolve: 
S - Slow down. Duh, right? Easier said than done. The goal is to slow down those racing thoughts. Even if you just take a moment to forgive yourself for negative self-talk or minimizing your progress, that can make a difference. That small negative voice can make you feel "less than." It's not true; you are powerful! You are more than enough!
T - Take inventory & stock of yourself: consider your values, strengths, limitations, and the load you carry. Write them down. Get it out of your head. How much of your load is within your control? What's not? Give yourself permission to let that part go.
E - Empathize with where you are. It took a lot to get to where you are now. Appreciate your efforts.
P - Prioritize your values. It is not about how much you do, it's about the meaningful things you do. Be values focused. What would it look like if you chose quality over quantity?
S - Show your work. Build a support team of experts and uplifting individuals to share information and advice. This helps to give you a more realistic view of expectations, a better perspective of your progress, and a cheering section. We can all use that! 

These steps helped me to get better clarity and a way forward, and maybe they will help you too. So what's the next step?

Maybe it's joining a small group of high-achieving moms and wives who share their experiences of taking big and small STEPS to end the perfection depression, find meaning, and make a greater impact. And if so, check out "My Coffee Break" events.